also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
