hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
God, I missed his penis.
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