the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
