my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
