I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
