Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
