nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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