U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
