Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
