If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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