Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
