So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
