i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
