stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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