Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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