i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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