okay pat passed out under dana's car
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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