just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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