My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
