Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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