why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
