Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
