Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
