dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
