I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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