Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
3 2 1 whiskey
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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