I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
