So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
