Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
