I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
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