That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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