those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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