I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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