Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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