when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
