The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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