I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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