Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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