I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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