I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
