I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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