Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
