I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
