The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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