I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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