a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
