guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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