I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
