what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
