Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
