does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
