i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
