Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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