I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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