I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
