My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
