I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
