Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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